The Ready For Polyamory Podcast

Season 5 Episode 8: De-escalations

May 26th, 2022

"I really think we could de-escalate the use of de-escalation as a term. Let's talk about transitions and changes maybe instead. It's more accurate."

"De-escalating literally implies stepping down, a level lower, that something is less or worse, but often what is happening is a re-calibration so that relationships suit the needs of the people rather than preferencing a label over the humans using it."

Many polyamorous and other nonmonogamous people (as well as some monogamous folks, especially separating coparents) are beginning to refer to major relationship changes or ends as de-escalations, regardless of the kind or intensity or direction of the change in the relationship. Laura and Roy of Open Relating talk about the mononormative implications of "break up" that seem to be driving this within the polyam community, and about alternative frameworks that don't give so much preference to relationships that are consistently romantic and sexual over long periods of time - because change is the only certainty in long term relating.

The RfP blog on deescalation:

Roy Graff is a relationship coach and trainee psychotherapist based in London, who works with individuals, dyads, and polycules of various configurations and relationship styles. You can find Roy at []( and see his upcoming in person and digital events; he runs a digital support session and London, UK based in person events. His Instagram and Twitter are @openrelating

As always, you can find the Ready for Polyamory blog at; Laura at Twitter @lauracb88 and IG and TikTok @readyforpolyamory; the Ready for Polyamory facebook group at, links to peer support sessions with Laura here, and the Ready for Polyamory Audiobook here, as well as paperback and Kindle on Amazon.